Expression

Relive my night last night I’d be pretty darn happy. This is going to be the hardest, most complicated, frightening thing I’ve had in a while, but it will be worth it. 

Cloudy skies and playgrounds and wet grass. 

I legit am in love with washington park. 

I’m going to hold her hand into forever. 

Yup yup. 

Just hope I can let my head stay straight. 

So a while back my friend found what she called a “skinny shirt.” I tried one on and now own two. I wear one of these shirts everyday. It smooths out and flattens my stomach a little. I lifts my breasts and makes me feel…well, I feel like I can wear clothes. After I wash them, and when I first got them, it was always slightly hard to breathe. Very nice and constricted on my lungs. All so I can feel pretty. Today I didn’t wear either of them, cause I stupidly left both of them in the wash. I felt naked. Like the world could see underneath my (very baggy) shirt and that they knew I was fat. I felt huge. Like people could see the rolls on my body, that one of my breasts is way smaller than the other one. That my stomach is big, that under my shirt I’m a full 224 lbs. All of this, making me feel as if I was ugly. And yet, I still decided to make brownies tonight. And I’ll throw/give them all away tomorrow. I want to be tiny. But I don’t want lose all of the muscle I have. So I’ll wind up working out harder, running more tonight. I’ll be up late doing sit ups and drinking water and wake up early too. 

I’m not even that big. 

I’m healthy. I work out and can do more than most people…but I still see myself as fat…

I knew the answer before I asked. But you gotta ask. 

No, I can’t learn to ref. I have to wait and then be meat and learn that way. 

And my coach found me on fb and messaged me and was all “Thanks for jam timing blah blah” 

Oh, I’m sorry. Now that I’m doing something very few people do you’ll talk to me. After you told me complete bullshit.  I just can’t handle that. 

Ughhhhhhh. 

And I’m also a frigid bitch, I know this. 

Rant rant rant. 

Had a friend there tonight when I got the bad news, made it easier. 

I’ll find a way. I have to. 

And as you wash your hair, or anything, you’re thinking through the problems of the universe, solving world hunger, and then bringing everything round full circle to your own life, you cry, then a rocking song comes onto your ipod and it’s all good again…

I don’t care what they said. 

I’m a derby girl. In every aspect of my life. And I will prove them wrong. They will regret it. And I’m going to prove it. Even if I still occasionally cry while shampooing. 

And I’ll do it with or without people by my side. 

not really….

Legit, this girl is so amazing and sweet and awesome and I felt myself relaxing and opening up and wanting it to be all good and happy. 

But no. 

Frigidness. 

I fail. I just…Kept thinking about Skittles. 

Kept thinking about what happens when things go sour. 

Kept getting scared of what things would mean. 

I don’t even know, I’ve been single for a long time, I think I’m ready, I don’t want to hurt this girl cause she legit made me feel so much like my normal old me again but idk….

ugh.