Expression

I knew the answer before I asked. But you gotta ask. 

No, I can’t learn to ref. I have to wait and then be meat and learn that way. 

And my coach found me on fb and messaged me and was all “Thanks for jam timing blah blah” 

Oh, I’m sorry. Now that I’m doing something very few people do you’ll talk to me. After you told me complete bullshit.  I just can’t handle that. 

Ughhhhhhh. 

And I’m also a frigid bitch, I know this. 

Rant rant rant. 

Had a friend there tonight when I got the bad news, made it easier. 

I’ll find a way. I have to. 

And as you wash your hair, or anything, you’re thinking through the problems of the universe, solving world hunger, and then bringing everything round full circle to your own life, you cry, then a rocking song comes onto your ipod and it’s all good again…

I don’t care what they said. 

I’m a derby girl. In every aspect of my life. And I will prove them wrong. They will regret it. And I’m going to prove it. Even if I still occasionally cry while shampooing. 

And I’ll do it with or without people by my side. 

not really….

Legit, this girl is so amazing and sweet and awesome and I felt myself relaxing and opening up and wanting it to be all good and happy. 

But no. 

Frigidness. 

I fail. I just…Kept thinking about Skittles. 

Kept thinking about what happens when things go sour. 

Kept getting scared of what things would mean. 

I don’t even know, I’ve been single for a long time, I think I’m ready, I don’t want to hurt this girl cause she legit made me feel so much like my normal old me again but idk….

ugh. 

I never fucking bring my drama to fb. I tell it to your faces, and vent on here, where NO ONE knows who I’m talking about. 

I take care of myself, you had your chances. 

Stop acting all high and mighty. I am a human. I could have lost so much for EITHER one of you. 

But I’m smart enough to keep my mouth shut, and actually pick up the phone and call/text you. 

Fucking asshats. 

It hurts that I am focusing on ME. That I am doing better in school. That I am keeping myself together. That there are finally people willing to listen to me. And that someone is opening up to me. That no matter what happens I’m pretty sure I can finally handle things again. But I’m breaking. Today is your birthday. I wasn’t allowed to do anything all weekend or today. I haven’t seen you in a month. A month. And you live in walking distance of me. And what hurts, is that you said we have to spend more time together. That I have to be okay around you. Well…I guess that’s easy because I’m never around you. And there are so many ideas as to why this is. You’re not comfortable with me having had/working through my feelings. I think I’m smart enough not to throw away some of the few things I still have. I just want to see my friend. I’m so sick of only being deserving of text messages. I think I’m worth more. I just want to see my friend. To hang out. I have only asked you to do stuff in a group setting. You make me feel hated. Not good enough. 

I had this idea that I was whole. I was completely, utterly strong, put together. I thought I had been able to have it made. Not that I’m financially secure, but that I know what and who I like. That people cared. That the people who called me family meant it, and that someone would actually give a damn. And it’s all bullshit. It’s one hundred percent bullshit. I try so hard to be the friend, the daughter, the caretaker, the strong person. And then I get beyond weak. And I’m told I’m fucking strong as hell, blah blah blah.I don’t wanna hear that again. I want someone to show up. To help out. To give me the hug and let me cry my eyes out. Let me not be alone. Cause that is exactly what happens when you give your all to others. You spend your nights alone with your cat. (I totally love my cat, but let’s be honest, she doesn’t help when you’re sick)  I’m not….sexy, hot, attractive. I’m the friend to everyone. The person who is pretty, and kind, but not the person you’d snuggle with. I’m also too clingy. I’m open. I talk about what others don’t. 

Idk….

I need to be resting. But 5 days in a room alone and sick out of your mind plagues you. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I don’t want to keep it together, be brave and do the right thing. I don’t have the patience to fight off my demons every night. I can’t see the world as one door closes, another one opens when they keep getting slammed in my face. I need someone. Someone to hug me as I ball my eyeballs out and hack my lungs up. Someone to hold my head and tell me that my hard work does matter. Someone who can just stick around and make me believe in family and love and caring again. Cause I don’t anymore. I don’t believe that people care. That you can love something and that working for it means you get an end result. That a family cares about each other. I lost it. It isn’t coming back. In the end, no one cares. No one person gives a damn about anyone but themselves. 

I need internet back in my life so so bad. But that’s not the point. This is a ramble of thoughts and things. 

I didn’t make the team. 

I can’t skate with my teammates, the people who taught me so much, in a safe environment for an entire year. It was the worst 4 days of my life getting that e-mail and then the meeting I had to have. I don’t like the rule. I understand why it was made-kind of. Skaters would join a meat class, then leave right before testing and keep doing that. Or they would get cocky, have attitudes. But…I’m not like that…at least, I’m pretty sure I lack an attitude. I just…I don’t have the money to go to open skates that often, and I never got close with the skaters on my team. I don’t really get close with anybody. I had to have a meeting with people. I thought it would just be my main meat coach. But it was all of them. I couldn’t speak. And then the captain, someone who I thought got me, looked at me and I was told I didn’t show passion or drive or want or commitment to be there. Every single stitch I’ve been putting in my heart for the past year dissolved. I have no heart left. I just want to go to practice. I want to be someone who can work her hardest and improve and become what attracted me to them in the first place, a hard-hitting, strong, confident derby girl. 

I wasn’t able to handle it. The things that completely built back up were now all gone. And I did something stupid. But I’m okay now. I just don’t know what happens now. I will be an NSO for the next year. Just need to not burst into tears every time I approach Rollarama. It hurts. My one good friend doesn’t understand how much I am hurting I think. She knows what it’s like to be cast out. But derby didn’t save her to the point it did me. Or maybe it did. I just want to skate. 

I also turned 21. And my friends and I went out to two bars. And the one friend is someone I kind of like. Which she knows. And she got drunker and drunker. And said “I love you” and came in to hug me and kissed my neck. And it sucks. Cause she’s completely wrong for me. And it’s very very bad. And just kind of tough. Cause she only said it with alcohol in her system….whatever. Just gotta focus on me. Gotta find myself…again.