Wake up early, realize I only have to wait about 2 more weeks before I get to beg to come back to roller derby. Idk….I may wait until May, just because of school. I need strength….I’m terrified that they will say no…they can’t say no. Idk….
expressionwithoutfear: I want to have a life with her. I see myself in the future…I see myself as an old lady, in a rocking chair, with her. This is a brand new feeling. I need it to stay. <3 Even in the past…nothing compares to this. <3 <3 <3 <3
I want to have a life with her. I see myself in the future…I see myself as an old lady, in a rocking chair, with her. This is a brand new feeling. I need it to stay. <3 Even in the past…nothing compares to this. <3 <3 <3 <3
So when she tells me I'm insane...this is...
can you please not comment on my fb?
maybe i wasn't clear before, but here: You piss me the hell off, and I'm sick of it. Just leave me alone.
ok heather, I really have no clue what you are talking about. but u got it
Are you really not getting it? I don't know how to make it more freaking clear. I've spent a year doing everything to not like you, all while listening to you complain about no one being able to see past your confidence and flaws, watching you have some other girl like you, attempting not to voice how much that bugs the hell out of me, doing everything i can to respect you, try not to push anything on you, and then i tell you and you act like it's fine. you act like everything i feel doesn't fucking count, and i have to deal. and you don't get it. you don't give a damn how much i've fucking cried over you, you say that no one can like you, it's all bullshit to my face. i know you're not that out of it to realize you fucking hurt me so much.
Heather I never acted like I don't care, I just don't know what you wanted me to do. I am sorry that is how it feels but I can't change it.
I mean hell I never even tell you anything about any other girl just not to hurt you
Never acted that way? Are you serious? You think and act like you get it, but you don't. You can't. I get one worded answers from you about shit. I get hell. I get lied too. You see me trying to like other people, you know I know when you like people, but it's all a big fat lie. I do anything I can to at least be a friend to you, but oh wait, that's not good enough either. And then, when I'm convinced I'm over you, you say something, or do something, and I'm right back to not getting you. And in my crazy ass mind, I remember the one single time you told me that you flirted with me, cause I can't believe that, and I think maybe I'm just doing something wrong now. And then i remember, I'm just not supposed to like you. That I'm just another person in your life, but I'm not, because I'm not even allowed to be your friend. I'm not good enough. I'm fucking invisible to you. Cause I can compliment you, and offer to listen to you, and offer everything I can as a friend, and get the whole "No" "I know" but never an actual answer. And then I see or hear how you have no one, and no one gets you. It's all BULL.
Heather that is how I talk with everyone, what you are feeling is not my fault. I never misled you in any way nor would I. you not being allowed to be my friend I never said that, that is your feelings and I can' t change that. If your talking about time to spend as friends, you know how busy i get and I can't change that either.
HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? You say "No one gets is, no one can see past me, no gets I don't have confidence, etc." I say "you're beautiful, anyone is lucky to be with you, I'm here, I'll listen," And then you know what you say? NOTHING. Or you lie to my face.
I don't call you out on anything either. I sit and just let you go on, cause I'm not going to be the one to call you out, I'm not going to be that person who pressures you, I can't figure out how to make it clearer than that.
ok wait i never lie to you so if that is how you feel then fine. calling me a lier is bullshit so fucking whatever. plus you already know how it is to be told one thing and feel another, i have said things to you to help you feel better and you never do so dont dudge me on it.
I get told you have no one, and I'm still here
"I don't like Natascia"
you don't have to like Natascia and her and I r just friends
No, you told me that
the day you told me she liked you
I asked you
I asked you so many times if you liked her
Why does she get cuddles, huh? Why does she get dates? Why did she get a kiss? Are you kidding with me? Cause somehow, she's gotten 90% of what I've been too shy and too nice to beg for. SO sit there and tell me you don't like her.
I kissed her once, We don't date I mean what the fuck. I kissed a guy this week and his gf does that mean I am dating them.
did you ever think that maybe the slightest bit of that type of attention with you would have given you the wrong idea I do..
"Well second date may alter plans for New years"
I don't deserve being lied to.
friend date not date date
think what oyu want i never lied to you. so whatever
Anything I have done or anyone I have ever talked to I told you, I do because you asked me to promise you. But I don't need to explain anything I do at all. I am an adult and we r not in a relationship. no offense but saying i lied is just you reading into shit.
I'm not reading into anythign
The word date generally has the meaning of someone you like
not always heather.
thats the difference in the age
Kissing someone you know has a crush on you would generally mean something
ive kissed a lot of people, doesn't mean I want them...
Difference in age?
yeah date to me can even be with friends, like coffee date, movie date ect not always date date. when I was your age I did feel the same as you date meant date.
Is that the same as trying to fit in seeing you having a drink on Em's birthday in Sept, but you've been sober for 200+ days?
And you don't clarify
You tell me Natascia has a crush on you
then tell me you kiss her
that you guys get to cuddle
I am clean not sober there is a difference
(but I shouldn't be jealous)
no you shouldn't be
And I'm supposed to think that you doing all of that with someone who likes you is being taken as just friends.
yes cuz as adults her and I discussed it, we are good with it and that's all that matters. I could also have friends with benefits too and I have done that in the past, I wasn't dating that girl either.
Do you understand anything I'm saying? Because I'm struggling right now. You KNOW, have KNOWN that I have the world's worst crush on you. Yet you tell me things such as the following "We had our first date when I went to her...we're going to cuddle....i kissed her..." And expect the person who likes you to look at that as friendship.
Or wait, did you not have any clue I liked you?
Cause you are the most confusing human being on the earth
yes I knew, But yeah we did have a first date, I did kiss her and yes we cuddle like friends, see you yourself just said what I said, none was a lie. we are not going to be more than friends.
THAT MAKES NO SENSE
sorry I don't know how else to put it
You tell the girl who likes you you're going on dates and cuddling and kissing the same girl, ask her opinion of the other girl, never explain all the shit you just did to her, and expect the girl who's liked you for a year to think nothing of it
you made me promise to tell you, I dont break promises. I can promise not to for now on
You told me you dated a girl, kissed a girl, cuddled a girl who liked you
You knew I was fucking hurting last week.
And you just now explain that they aren't dates
Are you kidding me?
my words were we r friends, can't you get that.
We had one date thats it
No! I couldn't understand why the other girl who likes you got all the attention someone had been working for for over a year.
I don't understand that.
I don't understand why no matter what i have to beg for you to give me a chance
cuz there is no reason to beg, I am your friend. I do what I can when I can. That is all I can do
No. You just give cryptic messages.
You perceive them that way
Why did it take a year for me to finally get a "no?"
No i don't.
Every relationship talk was "school" "working on myself" etc.
It did not take a year, I told you no right from the start and you know it
I was working on school and myself. I still am
There's a difference between that and " I have never and will never have any interest in you"
omg I give up.
Why am I invisible to you? Why am I not good enough? I try to be anything that will make you smile, be confident, be happy, get through stuff, but I get shut down, and I don't know why I'm always getting "yeahs" "okay" "i know"
that is how I answer everyone. you are not invisible you are my friend
I am not trying to cut you off I need to jet, we can talk more text me or we can talk later.
For your own good...
I hope you stay the fuck out of my life this year. I’m DONE having my heart broken monthly. You never gave a fucking damn. I’m going to sit in my house, alone, again. And heaven help you if you try anything.
EXCUSE YOU. I just told you I freaking care about you. A response? Yes, I’d like one. Oh well. Let me go mess up my other friendship now. Cause I wanna save it. Cause I have to be the person who will ALWAYS care about people. Just….. dfbhfvbdvblfbvljdbvsljkdbnl
Girly...Butch....None of the above...
I hate this…just….I’m not girly ALL THE TIME. I’m not butch ALL THE TIME. I flip flop and for some unknown reason I can’t find anyone who is okay with this. And the person I like so much is NEVER going to be interested which means they aren’t the right one and I should be happy because there are 6 billion other people but I’m just frustrated cause...
Girls and School...
So I’ve decided to stay 100% focused on school this semester. Yeah, and there are 3 people in my life who are making that difficult. #1: Lis So, I’ve known her since I moved to NY. We went to school together, she is 2 years older than me. We ran into each other a few weeks ago and have been talking and getting closer ever since. It’s cool. She’s cool. We both are...
Ugh… I know this blog has been more of my life/feelings lately, but oh well…. I’m fat. My best friend helped me out a ton today, and dropped me off. I went and got a veggie burger before class, with cheese, onions, lettuce and tomato and a banana on the side. I’ve forgotten we’re watching essence of music today. I see the scene of the plus size model who doesn’t eat and cuts and can’t...
The basics of eating...
Eat 3 decent meals a day, insert some snacks inbetween. This is what I should do. What do I do? Run around all day, drinking water and the occasional powerade, cave into half a bag of hot fries at work, eat nothing else after that and then make some real food at home. Positives of today: Saw my big, saw my best friend, completely unexpected from each. Negatives: Fight with my dad, idiots...
Monitoring my food, day 1
So….I have this planner/food diary thing I got for free last year. And my friend Brittany told me about how she used this online thing….so I’m going to try and track my food. Today was a bad day, cause I had pizza and a milkshake, but only a small slice and a few sips. I was under the amount of calories I needed and worked out in the pool too. I hope this helps me. I also...
Anonymous asked: I think it might just be society and just the way you think about yourself. I would say all you need to do is find a new way to look at yourself but I know that's not easy. You are a beautiful person and I wish you wouldn't let thoughts like that get to you.
How is it...
that even when I eat a salad with no cheese in it, no dressing on it, and full of tomato, celery, cucumber, onion, spinach, and chickpeas I still feel awfully fat and regret eating it? -sigh-