Expression

I never fucking bring my drama to fb. I tell it to your faces, and vent on here, where NO ONE knows who I’m talking about. 

I take care of myself, you had your chances. 

Stop acting all high and mighty. I am a human. I could have lost so much for EITHER one of you. 

But I’m smart enough to keep my mouth shut, and actually pick up the phone and call/text you. 

Fucking asshats. 

It hurts that I am focusing on ME. That I am doing better in school. That I am keeping myself together. That there are finally people willing to listen to me. And that someone is opening up to me. That no matter what happens I’m pretty sure I can finally handle things again. But I’m breaking. Today is your birthday. I wasn’t allowed to do anything all weekend or today. I haven’t seen you in a month. A month. And you live in walking distance of me. And what hurts, is that you said we have to spend more time together. That I have to be okay around you. Well…I guess that’s easy because I’m never around you. And there are so many ideas as to why this is. You’re not comfortable with me having had/working through my feelings. I think I’m smart enough not to throw away some of the few things I still have. I just want to see my friend. I’m so sick of only being deserving of text messages. I think I’m worth more. I just want to see my friend. To hang out. I have only asked you to do stuff in a group setting. You make me feel hated. Not good enough. 

I had this idea that I was whole. I was completely, utterly strong, put together. I thought I had been able to have it made. Not that I’m financially secure, but that I know what and who I like. That people cared. That the people who called me family meant it, and that someone would actually give a damn. And it’s all bullshit. It’s one hundred percent bullshit. I try so hard to be the friend, the daughter, the caretaker, the strong person. And then I get beyond weak. And I’m told I’m fucking strong as hell, blah blah blah.I don’t wanna hear that again. I want someone to show up. To help out. To give me the hug and let me cry my eyes out. Let me not be alone. Cause that is exactly what happens when you give your all to others. You spend your nights alone with your cat. (I totally love my cat, but let’s be honest, she doesn’t help when you’re sick)  I’m not….sexy, hot, attractive. I’m the friend to everyone. The person who is pretty, and kind, but not the person you’d snuggle with. I’m also too clingy. I’m open. I talk about what others don’t. 

Idk….